Recently In WHCsenryu@yahoogroups.com, there  was this conversation between Narayanan Raghunathan and "Dick Pettit"

“An Ethnic Ritual”  

dressed a gypsy
a Delhi damsel
watches Bergman ~

circa ~2002
 

Narayanan Raghunathan ~

 Would 'dressed as a gypsy' be clearer?.

dick

dressed like / dressed as /dressed , were the three
options .I chose dressed. But really I am not sure
whether "dressed as" is better.

I am in a state of tentative doubt!
 

Narayanan Raghunathan

 Dear Narayanan: I can see dressed as/like is more
prosaic or clumsy.
 How about 'in gypsy dress' or 'gypsy-dressed' ?
 Dick

 Great Thanks Dick for this discussion on the position and
alignment of two words. I am honoured you take care to read my senryu with intense attention.

"I can see dressed as/like is more prosaic or clumsy."

 I agree with you. I checked reading loud in all the variations possible.

 "How about 'in gypsy dress' or 'gypsy-dressed' ?
 "gypsy-dressed" looks little contrived and creates a little etymological vagueness. So I reject that option.
"in gypsy dress" is surely better in my opinion.
But it looks little embarssing to begin with the proposition "in"which I normally avoid

But I have another suggestion which may tentatively resolve
this issue of "gypsy" and "dress" ~ Just add a comma
after "dressed" and "gypsy" to clarify the etymology and hint the right
pause

dressed, a gypsy,
a Delhi damsel
 watches Bergman ~

Your opinion solicited.

Narayanan Raghunathan

Dear Narayanan:

dressed a gypsy
a Delhi damsel
watches Bergman ~

dressed, a gypsy,
a Delhi damsel
watches Bergman ~

The comma after 'dressed' separates it from 'a gypsy', which it isn't. Also 'a gypsy / a .... damsel' is a bit  stop and go. How about: gypsy dress / a Delhi damsel -
 Also, the fewer words the better, if nothing essentialis left out (Occam's Razor).

It's intriguing that something so simple can be so difficult to crack. Anyway, over to you.

Dick


Hello Dick Pettit ~
Thank you very much for this wonderful chat!
I kept the comma for the stress

dressed, ~ What(Who) is dressed
a gypsy ~ So what ?
a Delhi damsel ~ that is almost funny
watches ~ okay ~ What ?
Bergman ~ Laugh!

gypsy dress
a Delhi damsel
watches Bergman

In this, the initial "in" is missing. Also, I feel that the
kireji after "dress" is a little contrived and obtrusive to the
essence and spirit of this Haiku. ( SORRY SENRYU ~ }

dressed a gypsy,
the Delhi damsel
watches Bergman

My version is more melodramatic and alliterative lyrical . I
hadintended that in the original presentation. Your version from
one point of view is more sedate from another it is somewhat
lifeless.

I have changed the "a" to "the" in the second line ~

Do you have something more to say ?

sincerely
Narayanan Raghunathan
 

             dressed a gypsy,
 the Delhi damsel
 watches Bergman

 Do you have something more to say ?

 No. I think this does the job neatly.
 Best wishes
 Dick

Great Thanks Dick For this excellent conversation.
I dedicate this "Senryu" to you. ~
an "a" changed to "the" and a [,] comma after "gypsy" improved it
considerably
We did a good job of checking the alternative possibilities.
Honestly, even earlier, I had felt a certain incompletness which
this chat and correction helped me to rectify.
I am sure you understand me ~

Sincrely
Narayanan

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WHCsenryu.